This year has been FLYING by, in a really huge way. 2015 started with the biggest and most shocking bang I’ve experienced in a while, and its already now August. So much has happened and I have learned so much. This morning, as I woke up at sunrise, the day allowed me to see its bright orange, blues and yellows that greeted me with love. A reminder to cherish the seconds, minutes and days of life that we get to experience. And although I went back to bed on the vintage 1970’s couch for a little while longer, I managed to take an incredible walk with my dog and remind myself why I am here and what the important things are.
Sometimes trying your best, gets faced with a tireless, hurt and angry soul that only seeks to thrive on a source of drug they don’t even know they need. It’s a beam of awareness that came to me to realize that people’s brains actually form peptide bonds with their most prominent thoughts. That if I say “I’m bizarre and and hideous”, for example, to myself all the time, my brain craves more of that. It forms relationships with those terrible chemicals. And so, the opposite is true. To believe you are worthy and beautiful and sacred, your being will want more of these morsels. These aforementioned souls though, crave conflict and act like a poor victim so they have someone to push their inner loathing for themselves off on. Someone that will be the answers to why everything in their life has failed. And although the root of this behavior is self hatred, the people in the wake end up suffering the most for it. It constantly reminds me of a child that wants endless amount of candy that’s trapped in a plastic box, or a heroin addict that’s run out of money. And the ones that have a outright supposed overly high sense of self-esteem, are actually the ones that feel the worst inside. The ones that are truly trying to just live as much joy as they think they can, fall into those traps of darkness with those people.If only the mechanisms we were born with were the ones that could handle these plights, but as it is, they bring about massive amounts of unnecessary suffering and depression. And everyday ends up being a day you have to remind yourself to even breathe and not give up, on showering, on eating sleeping and loving yourself. On piece mealing yourself faith and encouragement to be the force that your loved ones need. There’s nothing that will make these people see the damage they do. They don’t try to see, they don’t want to work at it. They refuse to let any light in because it’s hard hard work. And all the ways they deflect from reality and being conscious, are evident in the ways they still wish to spread poison, not love. Not care. And tonight, that world to me, is so sad. My feet are heavy with this baggage as I look into the mirror at a woman who I wasn’t just a short time ago. My lightness of being has been replaced and suffocation has overtaken free thinking and openness. So I found a small answer to this on random late night YouTube quests and this woman just cracked a small opening in my brain. I think I’ll stick with these words in my day that my self will begin to come around to. I judge by the way this woman seems to kick some serious ass at life!
I’m human, I have faults and as a result of not having good boundary function, love and respect for myself in the past, other people were supplying “more of that,” and I continued to allow it, and I took on their issues and made it about me. Now that I am committed to learning how to accept, support, encourage and love myself unconditionally, I have the ability to choose people and experiences that will contribute to this, rather than participating in and staying attached to abuse.
“Love casts out sin or fear the way light casts out darkness. The shift from fear to love is a miracle. It doesn’t fix things on the earth plane; it addresses the real source of our problems, which is always on the level of consciousness. The only real problem is a lack of love. To address the world’s problems on any other level is a temporary palliative- a fix but not a healing, a treatment of the symptom but not a cure.”
A Return to Love, Marianne Williamson
Another rambling into the inner workings of the way love has been so absent in my life. I am her mother, my love for her is real, and cannot be destroyed. The hate from one to the other, though, that is not real. That is fear, and that is the overwhelming presence at times. If evil is the lack of any good or sin, and love is the opposite, than love can be the only good. The only resistance to evil. It must be the determining force that will combat the bad.
In its lack of, the whole world, mine in particular, continues to feel upside down. In small momentary awareness, I feel the fear is so overpowering but I am certain of many ways I can begin to overcome it.
And that is the point.
It is beyond me.
Only something bigger can be the source of that repair.
The source of that power.
And although it’s bigger than me, it still exists within me.
The beginning of this journey into motherhood was so sweet. It was such an amazing time God had given me to acquaint myself with the human he had created through me. I had many days where I was alone with her, just us two, and I cherished every moment of those days.
I had my doubts that I was doing it right, or was messing it all up, but that all felt very normal. I knew that I could only do right by her, if I just loved her with all myself.
In that time, there were other things that were taking me away from this new little one in my life.
I am still working on forgiving myself for the ways I have felt inadequate, but I attest that to every ‘mother’s guilt’ and do my best to move forward.
In little time after that, my world became consumed with fear. I was extremely nervous and scared of what the outcome would be with the situation at hand. No matter what it was, I was scared.
And just like that, the course of my life changed drastically.
I began to feel like water in a fight with fire.
Up against the biggest and most threatening terms to my safety and health.
Greet me with unreason, and you will hear about it.
And some days the pain was all encompassing.
How many things do I have to read that tell me that before every rainbow comes a storm, or that the forging of steel takes pounding after pounding. I get it. I get it.
It still makes it no easier
The details of pain and cause and effect here are endless.
It truly is an every day turning things over.
I have to shift my focus entirely, to keep my head and my heart in the space of love. Love towards the reality that I am her mother, and she needs me to be the picture of safety and guidance, forever and now. It is the only way.
What are the ideas in your head that make up the notion of LOVE?
For me, most clearly, is the persistency with which, most often so undeservingly, my mother outpours herself to me. My father is strong and stands by as watch, and my mom gives her every last drop to me.
And there are other examples in my life, I feel, that are true to what it means to love someone. What it means to be unselfish and provide all you can, with nothing expected in return. Un-conditional. Tireless.
Some where along the yellow brick road though, I can with all my guts say, I lost what the notion of love really meant to me.
I in fact, was so busy hating myself, which made even the smallest notion of love impossible to me. Because, as the saying goes, or at least one of them says: “Find the love you seek, by first finding the love within yourself.” For quite some time now, I have been entrenched in the feelings of self-loathing and deep-seated turmoil from many things I let myself go through, and constantly subjected myself to.
Imagine this. Two little mice, field mice to be exact, have known each other from a very young age. They grow up, and grow somewhat apart, and then end up coming together at what seems to be the perfect time. These two mice are such good friends, and want to do everything together. Their friendly love is becoming much, much more now. Of course Sharp Cheddar is on the menu every night, but there is only so much they are able to scrap together. Tough times can befall the two mice and sometimes they find themselves being angry at one another. Little mousy animosity grows. One day, one mouse stumbles upon the largest piece of 6 year aged cheddar they have ever seen! It will be a feast for days! So they take it home and put it in their closet, for safe keeping. Little nibbles here and there, every day, until just a small amount of cheese is left. And at that time, the other mouse discovers the loot. This mouse is livid! How dare his best friend be hiding something so special and delicious. He takes his mousey pillow, and mousey blanket and throws them out into the cold night. He’s had it! Some days past, and the other mouse has been wandering around the streets, with no one to call a friend. The poor mouse is cold and tired, and missing cheese and the sweet, finer things they have come to know. The two mice run into each other one day.Their feelings are hurt deeply, but they have to talk. The one mouse tells the other, how much they love them, and how sorry they are for kicking them out. They want the other to know they mean the world to them. They are their everything, and cannot live without them. And the other mouse, remembering all the amazing things they have done together, and the awesome mousey times they have had, listens. They believe the other. It is so. This is love. The other mousey moves back in to the mouse house. Until it happens again.
Through all the examples of the notions of love and passion we experience, our concept of what that means develops. I had come to understand love to be something that meant punishment was involved. I totally believed I deserved all of it too, so in no sense can I blame the other. I was allowing myself these injustices. And each time, the self-hate become grander and grander for not being the me I knew I was.
If only I had a tad more courage back then.
I came across this verse yesterday, because I looked into encouragement to help me not be afraid anymore. Living with fear is a terrible spot to be in.
So I just want to work on loving myself again. I no longer want to look back and realize all the things I have done wrong, the people I have offended or the wrong turns I took. Instead, it will serve me to right this very moment tell myself I love you.
That learning to be kind to myself will keep me from wandering the streets, alone, with no one to call my friend.
Here’s a little story about the day after the day of questions. When I woke up, I had the same feelings I most often do. My boyfriend reminded me clearly, where I seemed to be heading, before I felt awake to the task.Anxiety and worry seeped in, through the cracks, while I slept, and when I woke up, were on the pillow next to me.
Ugh, how did they get there again? Those ugly little emotions. Those pieces of your mind you cannot claim as your own, like cold, leftover meat, dead and useless. Those are the ones I woke up with today, and mingled around in my head for just a little too long. Reminder again, from the closest ones around you; only take what is useful to you through your day.
So I decided to go for a run. The kind of run that started with a sprint. I was looking for that ‘runner’s high’ that I had lost in high school, but any run I didn’t collapse on, was good. I ran down by the river, or the bayou rather. And at about as far as I could go, which wasn’t all too far, I turned around to head back home.
Stopped dead in my tracks, magically with my camera on, I witnessed a most courageous battle. Just moments before I was thinking to myself “I am going to get back into martial arts/ no, BOXING, or probably Thai boxing, yeah, and learn to become a fighter again.” No more standing around, I thought. And right in front of me, on my path of running, I saw a little gentle bunny going head to head with a two foot snake. The snake was strong, and kept knocking the bunny down, but he kept getting back up! Three times, the little bunny was defeated, and layed on the pavement. But each time, he made another jump on the snake, biting its neck even. He was so incredibly brave, and I was proud of him.
And I want to be proud of myself, just like that.
My run turned walk, gave me this incredible sense of strength, on this morning where I woke up with little. Falling down with no attitude to get back up, is defeat. Listening to the words I speak to myself that defeat my absoluteness, is defeat. And if a little bunny rabbit can stand up to his biggest enemy, I for sure can too.
Some sign of nature and miracle and God greeted me on this small journey this morning.
Behold, I have given you the authority to tread upon serpents and scorpions and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you. Luke 10:19
I woke up at six this Saturday morning to begin a day of questions. Questions that have gone unanswered for far too long.
We’re standing here in line, in a thunderstorm. All 60 of us. Each individual with their own set of struggles seeking to grasp another reality in the American way. A man from Chicago strikes a conversation with me. He was a correctional officer for 20 years in maximum security prison, and boy has he seen some grief. He needs help, just the same as me.
My brain fires synapses of the memories of jail this New Year’s Eve. Whatever the brief moments you spend in jail, no lesser the pain it imparts in your heart. I envisioned the flowers my boyfriend said he would bring me if he could , sitting on the cold metal table, in order to keep me from depression.
That was almost 5 months ago, and nothing has eliminated the reality of the situations severity.
Breathing through the moments where I feel sick, totally lost, alone. Being witness to a storm around me that is my life.
I’m hoping, beyond all hope, someone here today can help me. Give me a voice again. The one so many of us deserve to have. To scream and shout from the rooftops the truths that are ours. To stay silent is not an option for me. To live in fear is not worthy of me.
In fact, that fear is the only thing to fear// so they say. ‘They’ are right.
I’ve been given a renewed mind that helps me see what’s useful and what’s not, and those few family members and friends that listen, over and over. I am grateful again today for them.
Fingers crossed, my reality, now out of the thunderstorm, is heard.
Take delight in the LORD, and He will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the LORD. Trust Him, and He will help you. He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun. — Psalm 37:4-6
“Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”
As I felt myself dying off last year, into an abyss of depression and meaninglessness, a hand pulling me from the abyss reached out. There was a sudden jolt of lightning into my thinking that saved me from myself. The self that was incredibly destructive and had begun to bury the real me deep down. Away I was to go, if God had not sent out this life raft. And in the form of a human being, unbeknownst to me.
Perusing through facebook, I came upon the most amazing poet. Her words were fresh air coming in through the windows, it made me cry.
“It happens like this. One day you meet someone and for some inexplicable reason, you feel more connected to this stranger than anyone else–closer to them that your closest family. Perhaps this person carries within them an angel-one sent to you for some higher purpose; to teach you an important lesson or to keep you safe during a perilous time. What you must do is trust them–even if they come hand in hand with pain or suffering-the reason for their presence will become clear in due time.
Though here is a word of warning–you may grow to love this person but remember they are not yours to keep. Their purpose isn’t to save you BUT TO SHOW YOU HOW TO SAVE YOURSELF. And once this is fulfilled; the halo lifts and the angel leaves their body as the person exits your life. They will be a stranger to you once more.
Its so dark right now, I can’t see any light around me. That’s because the light is coming from you. You can’t see it but everyone else can.”
Upon reading this, my heart sang out. THE WORDS I HAD BEEN SEARCHING FOR. I was being selfish, consumed with fear, reckless, and my life was in piles of rubble. I hadn’t the slightest clue of what I needed. I couldn’t even stand to look at myself.
But someone was sent to help me.
And I really needed it.
Here I am, much later, still standing. But now, I am running. Not afraid of someone who will feed off of that fear.
I could start this with what happened to me, in the last few years of my life, heavy and laden with pain. Human. I could play into all the behaviors that will pin me down as a victim and blame the world for the shape my life has taken.
But I would be wasting my energy to feed that.
Im going to start from a place of gratitude and reflection of what has transpired. I am grateful I was given another chance, not to be saved, but to save myself. From death. That I was open-eyed enough to see that’s what I needed. There will be after effects and there will be consequences for every action.
I am going to be honest and speak to heal those parts that lead me to the bottom. To have allowed such overwhelming darkness come in and chip away at the armor hiding the skin that is begging to see the light.
Ill do that tomorrow, but today, I am happy for this person.